Frerard - Facing Death

Facing Death

I walked down the white hall, feeling how my head was trying to kill me. I had been feeling weird over the last months, and losing weight in a not normal way. The first weeks I ignored everything because I didn't want to spend a lot of money on doctors or medicines since I was trying to save money to buy a new apartment cause I wanted to live with my boyfriend, Gerard; I hadn't said anything to him about it yet, but I was planning to; honestly I already had a considerable amount of money saved, but everything got me worried after some time went by and I felt how aspirins didn't seem to do much and how every day I just got worst, no matter what I did, I decided it was time to get help.

At first I went to a couple of doctors but they only gave me light drugs, like the ones they give for when you get a cough, that didn't make me feel better at all, every day I felt how I got weaker and weaker, I was so tired all the time, not to mention the fever, the night sweats and all the random chills. I decided I would try one more time with another doctor, he didn't want to jump to a conclusion so fast, that's how I knew that doctor was pretty experienced, and expensive. Finally he sent me to get some blood and other types of test done, and I was on my way to know the results.

I read the names of doctors that were written in the doors I walked in front of, just curious, trying to waste time so I didn't feel so nervous about the test results; I knew it was something bad, somehow I knew it deep inside of me. Thanks God I was running late since I got kind of distracted by Gerard, oh boy; the thing is the running to get on time to the appointment distracted me a little, but it still wasn't enough. I walked for a while, lost in my thoughts when I heard the voice of a girl; ''You must be… Mr. Iero?'' I turned around, following the voices direction, and met -what I suppose- was the secretary. ''Yes, that's me'' I smiled as she stood up and politely guided me through the place, I really hated every ambient that had to do with doctors, or more likely, illness; after the third week, you just get tired of it. ''Right this way'' she stood in front of a door with the name: 'Dr. Fishman' on it, that was it, I thanked the secretary as she walked away, offering her help if I needed anything else. I stood in front of the door for a second and knocked softly on it before I felt a headache, damn sickness, just in the worst time.

The door pulled open and I was greeted by the old man I already knew, he was a nice person, he gave me strength and somehow hope that I would be just fine, but I was still realistic, I didn't like to think about my death a lot though. I took a look around his office, I was surprised to find out that I had never paid much attention to it; The place looked pretty elegant, rather expensive; remind me how much does an appointment here cost? "Alright Mr. Iero, sit down please, I got the results of your exams." The doctor said as he pointed me a chair in front of his desk, I nodded and sat while I felt my blood pressure get faster. The doctor searched through some files that were placed on top of his desk murmuring my last time until he got my file. He sat down in front of me as he looked over the papers.

I tapped my foot against the floor impatiently, but quietly so I wouldn't be rude. ''I've got some news'' his face suddenly darkened. Damn this couldn't be good; I didn't want to die, I wanted to before, not now, not ever since I met Gee, I was finally happy after years and years of waiting for some kind of hope. I didn't want the over-used phrases doctors use for bad news, so I just went with whatever came through my mind.

''Am I going to die?'' I asked him as I realized whatever he said was going to change my way of living, there were just two ways, the moment he replies, my heart will race or it will drop.

He left the papers he was holding in front of me. ''I'm sorry Mr. Iero, I know this is tough, I'm afraid you have Leukemia, this is a ter…'' I didn't let him finish and just spoke whatever I thought first ''How much do I have left?'' My headache got stronger and my heart dropped, ''Umm, given the results, like this you would only have five weeks left'' My eyes widened, five weeks and that's it, everything gone.

''J-Just five?'' I felt myself getting pale except for my watery eyes. ''Approximately. I'm sorry sir, there is a kind of treatment though; but it's really harsh and not 100% success guaranteed'' I nodded, finding it hard to speak. ''It's called Chemotherapy, I'm sure you've heard of it, it's the only solution since your body will probably not react good to any other therapy, we cannot perform any type of surgery either. First off I want to explain your illness a little, then the chemotherapy and how this will affect your life, after that I want you to think what you're going to do, if you take the therapy we have to start it soon, since this type of cancer spreads really fast, it's a blood cancer…'' I listened carefully to every word he said, trying to not have a break down in front of him, in that moment, right there, the only thing I needed was Gerard, I needed him around me, I needed to know he would be with me now that everything is wrong.

I heard the doctor talk for what seemed forever, eventually I calmed down and I was just filled with emptiness the moment I walked out of the office with an appointment to start chemotherapy in three days. I didn't even bother in saying goodbye to the secretary; I just walked out and reached for my phone as I entered the elevator.

I dialed his number; it rang 3 times before he answered. ''Hey babe!'' I smiled widely as I heard his beautiful voice; it was just what I needed. ''Hey honey, I was wondering if our plans for tonight are still up?'' I asked as I pushed the button of the elevator to the first floor. ''Course! I have something important to tell you'' I heard him say as he giggle, which made me laugh. ''What is it?'' I asked, full of curiosity, as the elevator doors opened. ''You'll have to wait babe but now, to important stuff, how did your appointment go?'' Damn he remembered, I saddened as I was brought back to reality and my sickness. ''Uh… Listen I have to go now, but I'll tell you later today, love you'' I barely heard him reply as I pressed the end-call button. He had just hit my weak point but I was so damn curious about tonight.

---

I arranged my shirt for the eighth time, tonight was important, I could tell, by Gerard's voice. I had to make myself attractive, mostly to distract the attention so I wouldn't look sick, so I took like 4 hours to arrange myself to mostly perfection, hoping he would like it. Time went by fast and before I knew it, it was time to go. I grabbed my car keys and checked myself one more time, I must admit, I did a great job in looking good, Gerard always said how beautiful I was, I never believed him.

I left my apartment and drove to the place Gee had written me down on a piece of paper; It was hard to get to it cause it was a place I had never ever heard before in my life, I just knew it was on this inhabited part of the coast. The beach seemed a strange place, why would Gerard want us there? It didn't really matter much, what mattered the most was how the hell was I going to tell him about the 'news', and how will he react? I knew he wouldn't be one of the fake bastards that just go away when there's trouble, he loved me, right? I couldn't handle another let down, I would just lose everything if he ever left; All my hopes would be lost and I would probably give up on life. It seemed a little exaggerated and novel-like that I would want to die without my lover, but he's the light of everything, I wanted to die before he came into my life. He saved me from myself.

The road was dark, lightly lightened by the street lights and the lights of my car. I read the signs of the side of the road, they all read: 'Welcome to Clearwater Coast'; I bet the water is clear, huh? The signs had handmade drawings on them, some were advertising products I barely remembered from my childhood. The place looked old and abandoned, like if nobody lived there since many years ago, it was weird, finding an abandoned place with the growing population we have now. I followed the directions Gerard had given me, wondering what could we be doing in here.

I drove more slowly, trying to get some hint on why was that place so abandoned; I was concentrating on every sign, until I noticed something odd, there was a wooden sign with a huge drawing of two silhouettes, two guys, kissing. My heart melted as I instantly recognized them, our names were written on the side along with an 'My Beloved Monster & me' I laughed at that phrase, he invented that one evening when I was wearing a shirt with the phrase 'I'm a monster'. I stopped the car on the roadside, just to admire the amazing art, it had been more than a year since a met Gerard, and he never stopped amazing me. I tried to memorize the sign he had done for me, so it would stay in the best place, my heart.